It’s been almost a year since I’ve written a blog post, and it’s a little odd to start one again. To be honest, it’s a little odd to be writing at all again. I got a little sick of it, or tired of it, or something. When I went to the computer to start something, I’d get really angry and sad simultaneously, then put the computer away. When I brought out my journal, just to write to myself, the same feelings came just as quickly, so I’d put my journal away, then just work on disappearing.
I don’t like that I feel that way. I used to love doing this, and something twisted in the past year or so, to make me feel unlovable and make writing feel unlovely.
Jeez, this post is starting out far too real. I apologize for this. But it’s been a long time since i’ve written to you all and I feel like I should be open and honest with you people for why. And the reason is that I got really sad, and the sadness wouldn’t go away, and writing only amplified it, and so I stopped.
There are some external reasons for me feeling so glum, but it also felt like something soured in me, whatever light I had charging me dimmed way low and made it hard to deal with anything. Because it’s not like I have a hard life, in any sort of way. And you guys are all rooting for me and such, I know I have friends and support and everything. But it’s like a tiny Charlie Brown took up residence in my head to convince me that yeah everthing does suck and yeah you should go away and yeah tomorrow will be the worst. Which is a fucked up feeling to have. Because I have perspective and can take stock of my life and say life is good, but this black cloud comes by and it’s not tethered to anything, I can’t trace it back to its source and fix it, it’s just there darkening everything else. And the cloud is mine, it’s just all in my head, which means I have a part of my brain that’s just there to heckle me.
But today I was having a silly day of small accomplishments and it felt funny and good and suddenly I wanted to write. I didn’t know what I wanted to write, so I just started and out came this. So bear with me I guess. I’m feeling better, and so hopefully this will start getting better too.
I’m having a trivial errand day today, which are always wonderful. I haven’t actually accomplished anything, but I’ve set challenges and tasks and completed them so I feel accomplished. I did the dishes, I’m doing laundry, I put away and organized my comic books, I left my torrent client run all yesterday and all through the night (downloading just legal freeware of course) and now my share ratio is through the roof. My itunes wasn’t working, but I figured out the problem and fixed it. It required using Terminal, repairing disk permissions, and rewriting access privileges so now I feel like a clean, organized hacker who’s great at sharing. Which is cool.
I had a comedy set last night and it went okay. I didn’t kill it, but the audience wasn’t against me. What was cool, though, is that I was happy with the lukewarm response. I had new jokes I was trying out, and I could feel which ones worked and which ones didn’t. I am starting to sense how long I can build and ramble before I need to deliver jokes, and which jokes are too convoluted, and which jokes are tight, ready gems. I’m getting a little less worked up about the performance. I always worry about the response i get, and treat each small performance like I’m Mr. Holland and this is my opus. But I’m seeing that now as silly. I’ve got longer goals in mind and am working my way towards them. Putting all my hope and value into the response of a Tuesday open mic is like a marathon runner stopping every fifty feet and yelling, “give it up for me! Look what I did! I ran all fifty feet!” Half the jokes last night worked, the other half I know how I can work on them. It’s good.
Also, to keep up with the silly accomplishments I was invited to beta test a new website. PRETTY BIG DEAL I KNOW. Do you guys remember blip.fm? Well, it’s basically dead. But now there’s FUZZ.COM, made by the same people. It’s similar music sharing with uneccessary but fun awards and props and such. It still has a charmingly outdated feel put into a web 2.0 shell and I like it. I really like the beginning of websites. I like that early flurry of activity when it’s all potential and going to transform how you use the internet and filled with promise. Young websites feel like new notebooks to me, make you daydream. Fuzz.com is still figuring itself out, but so far it’s pretty great.
I’m feeling done with writing this now, and am looking over the post. If you read the last words of each paragraph it goes from disapearing, unlovely, and heckle to better, good, and great. It looks like writing does help me out. Thank you for reading.